There was a solid chunk of time when I could not picture my life without him. That was love. All-consuming, desperate, love. And I spent a little over a long time believing whole-heartedly that this was what to look for.
Wait for the moment you feel you can’t live without him, and then do everything you can to keep him. There is a strong notion of fairytale to this, and perhaps the essence of a nightmare. But at the time, it felt more than right.
It took me far too long, and many stretch marks on my heart before I realized I was looking at it all wrong. Because being unable to imagine your life without a boy at 19 is a little more about self confidence than it is about love. And I was too busy focussing on him that I forgot about myself – for a while.
Now, after months of refocussing, of turning over new pages, and reshaping myself between the miles that separate Kitchener and Vancouver, I realized there’s something else I should have been looking for.
When you find the guy who you think could really, deeply, matter one day, look for yourself. Imagine what your life would look like without him, and realize it would still be good – great actually. Look for the moment when you decide, that your life will be great without him, but you’re going to choose him for one all encompassing reason: because while you can live without him just fine, you simply don’t want to.