I am uneven.
I am confidence in one direction and anxiety in the next and I am straddling the life I was born into and the one I chose to live.
I am 6 steps ahead and 5 steps behind and I’m only ever really good at recognizing what I’ve lost rather than what I’ve gained.
I am really good at finding things to love about people I barely know and I wonder why it took me so long to learn how to love myself. Maybe I just know myself too well.
I am terrified of words like needy as though they undermine what I know to be true and maybe I’m just stuck in the phase where yes I am afraid of what they’ll think of me.
I am my own decisions that have been caught up in other people’s opinions and I think everything about ourselves is what was worn off of the people we spend the most time around. Maybe.
I am afraid of consequences and sometimes I find myself asking forgiveness for things I am not necessarily not okay with because when the lights go down I am afraid of their downsides.
I am afraid of that space between the here and now and the there. And most days I wake up feeling lost in it and some days I absolutely love the way it feels.
I don’t like when my bed sheets begin to smell like other people but I like to fall asleep in somebody’s arms – I mean my own arms – I mean I like to be alone – I mean not all of the time.
I want to find somebody who loves kissing as much as I do and I want to fall in love with them but maybe only 7 years from now and please do not come any sooner.
When I was younger I used to sleep with the window open in the winter so I could pull the sheets around me tighter and maybe we all have our own ways of holding ourselves together.