I can live in a lot of places, but limbo isn’t often one of them. And if you’ve read anything on here before, this is probably old news.
I don’t know how to exist in the in-between stages of life without trying desperately to get to the next step – and when I can’t figure out that next step, I carry the weight of what I think it means to be lost.
I imagine my life will start at the end of limbo, and I’ve imagined this for a very long time. That my life will begin when I leave for university – my life will begin when I move across the country – my life will begin when I have a better body – my life will begin when I graduate – my life will begin when I land a new job. And all of this – all of whatever this is that’s going on while I wait for my life to ‘begin’ – I’ve never been comfortable with it.
I want to be. Don’t get me wrong. Just several months ago I was writing about how I couldn’t wait for the in-between phase. For chaos and travelling and new jobs and travelling again and living in a van or something like that. And I still want that – on my really good days, I still desperately want that. But I am by no means any good at it and I’ll be the first to admit that.
Half of me is always running ahead and the other half is always trying to catch up. That’s been my relationship with myself, among other things.
So I’m trying to figure out what it is that I want. I’ve been trying to figure that out for some time now and every day I come up empty handed. Or, I come up with new and improved ideas that I spend days flip-flopping through, changing my mind at an alarming rate. And so I write more and more about the ‘not-knowing’ and promise myself that it’s totally and completely okay that I don’t know, but here I am again, reminding myself.
Because right now I’m living in the not-yet. Working a job I know I’ll eventually leave, and applying for jobs that I don’t have yet. I’m trying to make sure that the jobs I apply for are one’s that I actually want – and not one’s that I think I should have. I’m trying to find myself somewhere in the midst of all the selves I’ve constructed out of everyone else.
I have more questions than answers. Far more questions. In fact, I don’t know if I have any concrete answers right now. I’m trying to remember that it’s not about the destination but I have trouble taking a first step when I have no idea where I’m heading.
I want to be more okay with all of this. I’m trying to be more okay with all of this. There is a void that exists between the current and the almost and I have spent far too much time there trying to keep my head above the water.
Lately it feels like time has been speeding up. The days are turning over into the next and the weeks are going by at an alarming rate and I’m worried that I’m spending my best days planning for someday. I’m terrified.
So if it’s not too late for a new years resolution perhaps this is it –
Learn how to live in the not-yet. Get so good at living in the not-yet, that it becomes solely the right-now.