Everything. All at once. Right now.

I can’t juggle. But I try to every single day.

I try to take everything there is, and everything there could be – all of my endless possibilities – and toss them between my fingertips. I wonder why I feel so tired.

I try to imagine how I’m going to fit everything in. How I’m going to work a full-time entry-level career, how I’m going to get healthier – more stable, more able – how I’m going to write a book one day, live in a van, travel, move back home to Ontario, and stay out here.

I wonder how I’m going to see everyone I want to see this year. My family, my friends in Ontario, and my friends overseas. I toss these ideas around, dropping them one by one and then racing to pick them back up. I imagine I have to have figure everything out by yesterday.

So I write tentative plans in the forms of letters to myself in a journal. I try to make them look pretty, appealing, easy to grasp. I promise myself that if I just focus on right now, for right now, I will get to everything later. I convince myself that I have no time to waste waiting. So I promise myself there will come a time and a place but that time and that place is not right now – cannot be right now.

I want to figure everything out at once – I want to do everything, and be everything, and see everyone, all at once. I want to move quicker and do more, and yet I want everything to slow down – I want a break – I want to breathe. Most days I wake up to reality politely reminding me that I cannot be in two places at once. But I’m sensitive to reminders like that, and I take it personally.

I am figuring everything out. But sometimes I wish I would just stop trying to figure anything out. That I would leave questions unanswered, and simply be okay with that. Some days I wish there was an off switch so I could just stop thinking for a little while – for maybe an hour or so. But I suppose if there was, there wouldn’t be any of this to write down.

 

One thought on “Everything. All at once. Right now.

  1. Why oh why do some of us have brains that don’t shut off😒

    And yet your brain is soooooooo incredibly beautiful and creative and I know this is the upside of endless thoughts.

    If we could just have an in between!!!

    Love my girl!!!
    Mom
    ________________________________

    Like

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