I’ll be honest, and this is going to take a lot for me to admit, but here we go anyway.
Everyone says that when you go through a breakup, despite how much they suck, you learn a lot from the whole experience. You become someone greater than the person you were before. You grow. It becomes a great, painful, beautiful life lesson.
I agree with these people.
But here’s the thing. I just really didn’t think I needed another lesson right now.
Is it so bad to be satisfied with my current level of growth? At least, for now. Because personally, I would have been fine sticking with that for a while. I mean come on, do you ever just feel like you’ve had enough damn lessons and maybe you could forgo breakup number 4?
I think my first 3 taught me almost everything I needed to know about peeling yourself up off the bedroom floor, tossing out the collection of Kleenexes, and getting a whole hell of a lot stronger. I think I do pretty alright at it. You know, except for the fact that you still have to deal with the whole bedroom floor and pile of Kleenexes fiasco.
As far as any other grand life lessons go, I considered my plate to be just full enough. I should have had a sign that said, “please, just let me be for a little while longer. I’ve had enough learning for the moment,” as if that would help.
Here’s the next thing. As far as life lessons go, you never ask for them. I think it’d be pretty sweet if you could, you know, when the timing was perfect. Like hey, I’m pretty strong right now but I’m ready to get stronger – what do ya got for me? Unfortunately, that would defeat the entire purpose.
So here I am, learning! And I’ll tell you this:
This week sucked, as post-breakup weeks tend to do. I cried majority of the time I spent in my home, and if it wouldn’t have drawn attention I probably could have given myself several pat-on-the-backs for not crying at work. Note: Breakups warrant a great deal of crying, but I’m also easily susceptible. I’ve accepted that. Me, myself & I, we’re good with the tears.
Feeling “empty” is one of the most uncomfortable, confusing and lonely feelings you can experience. I mean, what do you do with it? How do you fill yourself back up?
Naturally, I went out and bought books. I tried to buy clothes but that didn’t work. I wrote lists and I put on the most relatable music I could find. Band-Aids.
But every day I still got out of bed, showered off the emotions that were stuck on my skin, and went into work. I cooked myself meals and started to read my books and add to my lists. Tonight I went for a walk and settled at the park near my house, a mason jar of wine, my books and a beautiful view. I don’t care what anyone says, when your heart breaks, these are some stellar small victories.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not done crying. If anyone can solve their breakup pain in 5 days, I think you’re probably lying (or just let me know your secret). Everything takes time. I simply plan on taking my small victories with pride and holding them like trophies over my head every time I need to feel sad. Whatever this lesson is supposed to be, it’s just getting started.
And here’s the final thing. I didn’t want another lesson. I didn’t believe I needed one – which is probably naïve and maybe even slightly cocky. I figured I could grow on my own time, stick with my own plans. Honestly I thought the rut in my relationship would work itself out, or better yet, I thought we could have done the working out part together. But it doesn’t matter anyway. I got one. One of those grand, painful and beautiful life lessons. And to hell if I’m going to waste it.
(Just watch what I’ll become.)