I called my mom and told her
I still feel like I don’t totally know what I’m doing
And she laughed because I had only been in this job for 2 days.
I’m not supposed to feel like I totally know what I’m doing,
And then I guess I got scared because
Where did all that confidence go?
Where did the girl who eats out at restaurants alone
And spends weeks talking to mostly strangers
And wandering through foreign streets without an ounce
Of her anxiety –
Where’d she go?
Is she still here?
That’s probably my biggest fear.
That I’ll slowly fade back into bad habits
Into feeling small and insecure
Into trying to shrink myself to fit into really tiny spaces
Something that I got really, really good at
For a while.
I get scared that I’ll forget what carefree
Or that I’ll start piling on the baggage again
Because back here I’m responsible for more
Than a carry-on backpack.
I think before I left I started to see a tainted image of myself.
One thing after another happened
And I let it affect the reflection I saw in the mirror
I started thinking that if I saw bruises then I might be broken.
After a while, I just kept seeing more and more bruises.
But this – this isn’t that.
This is a flicker
An adjustment – or twenty – all at once.
And I remind myself that it’s okay to get nervous
About new jobs (like everybody else)
It’s okay to be human.
And when I falter/fail/breakdown/cry
That’s okay, too.
Over the past several months I got somewhere
Somewhere with myself
Somewhere I want to stay.
I suppose it feels a little bit sacred
I suppose that’s why I’m afraid of losing it.
I suppose this means that I should stop worrying
And just be thankful for what I’ve found.
This is how I’ll keep it.