Talking about avoiding commitment while showing off tattoos.

Love me,
I said
Though it sounded more like a question
Offering myself to somebody else
With naivety sprawled across my finger tips
Which touched your back
And left my finger prints on your skin
Until you would shower them off.
Don’t leave me,
I thought
As though love is wanting somebody to stay
Even when they fail to love you back
I learned how to love myself
In your absence
And then I let you come back.
We can’t do this,
You said
And I breathed relief through the tension and the tears
And the distrust that had lingered on my back
Since the day we tried again.
I fell in love,
That year
And you were nowhere to be near
I fell in love with somebody I hadn’t known how to love
Every time I had seen her in the mirror
It had been a long time coming.
Don’t come closer,
I practically dared
And you sifted through all the things I did not know
Until you were all I thought about
I heard love was something like a trade-off
Or maybe just being sure about what you want
But my confidence was short-lived
And painfully dismantled.
I understand now,
I suppose
Talking about avoiding commitment
While showing off tattoos
It is not about avoiding promises
But not feeling ready for some
It’s like they say
These are your selfish years
Aren’t they?
I would like to love somebody one day
Without being asked to be loved back
Without wondering if this is not what I want
I would like to love somebody one day
With the kind of commitment
I can put into the black ink etched into my skin.
I’d like to love you one day
But in the utmost selfish way
I don’t want to love you today.

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