You never really realize that when you graduate university you run the risk of becoming the most lost you’ve ever been in your life – until you’ve graduated. Until you find yourself alternating between job applications and browsing travel destinations and realize you’ve been flip-flopping between what you do and don’t want to do every other Tuesday. You’ve spent your whole life preparing for something and just now you’re realizing that you haven’t quite put a name on what that is.
Or, you’re just fine and none of this applies to you. But I’m trying to remind myself that just fine applies to the lost one’s of us too.
The other night we sat in a messy circle on the floor and we talked about what we always do nowadays. We talk about how things have changed but not what has changed or why it’s changed and my hair is a lot longer than it was 5 months ago but that’s not all that’s different. Some of us have moved on. Our circle is missing certain faces and it’s gained some too. Half of us don’t see each other on campus anymore, we don’t go to the same classes, we don’t see each other until we’re gathered in messy circles spilling wine on our white t-shirts and friend’s blankets. This is different but it’s okay.
I’m realizing more and more each day that I have one foot in Ontario and one foot here. I am straddling my life in the middle and lately I have found it hard to keep my balance perfectly still. I wish I could tell you what that means – I wish I could tell you where home is – but I’m told I don’t need to have that figured out right now.
The past couple weeks have been filled up by rain until they were overflowing at the seams but today when the sun rose behind the fog it painted the sky golden and I am thankful for days like these. I may not have a clue where I’m headed but at least the road ahead of me looked beautiful today.