Timing and other excuses.

I think we like to have something to blame. I mean, other than ourselves. So we choose things like timing to romanticize the reasons why thing didn’t quite work out.

Maybe sometimes we really don’t know what to blame, because we don’t even quite know what it is about ourselves that led us to make the decisions we did. That led us to walk away from people we knew we loved, while also knowing that we could not be with them in that moment. That’s complicated.

I always thought of people breaking each other’s hearts, and I never realized that there was a way in which you could break your own. That moment when you look someone in the eye and find yourself caught between love and feeling lost and realize that there is no good reason for walking away, except that you don’t need a reason when you feel something this deeply.

I fell in love with somebody over the past year. And I wish I could tell you exactly why I left, but I think it’s called finding out you love yourself a little more on your own. And at 21, things like self-love and unrestricted independence are things to cherish and hold onto. So it makes sense – to some extent.

But I know people who would do anything for love, and I spent years believing I am one. Now I’m not so sure. But perhaps this was all for love in the end anyway. Loving yourself, deeper, loving them so much, you were able to admit that they could do so much better without you right now. And more than any of this – it’s about learning to accept that you don’t need a reason for absolutely everything that you feel. 

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