Show up
You have to show up
So that we can remind you of the times you never showed up
The times we can’t even remember but we’ll hold against you anyway
Tattoo it on our image of you, just like your age, just like your sensitivity.

So I show up
I keep showing up
Keep leaving feeling more empty than I felt when I first
Showed up. 

You never drink enough
Let’s take a tequila shot
Let loose, get drunk
But don’t get too drunk
Because we’ll remember the things you did
When you were drunk. 

You’re too sensitive
Too anxious
I don’t get your anxiety
We like you when you’re chill. 

So I make sure to laugh at the jokes
It’s how this friendship works
Careful when correcting
They’ll say I got angry.
Never raise my voice
And if they get mad and yell at me in a bar
We’ll just joke about the part where I cried.

I imagine what it would feel like if I stopped showing up.
What if I didn’t have to explain myself
Defend myself
What if I stopped feeling like I was “too much.”

Is it true that I kept reliving the same chapter over and over
I’ve written blogs like this before
I’ve written blogs about both of you before 

Told myself this isn’t what friendship feels like
And then changed my mind again

Why

The answer is embarrassing
Something about being 15
And hanging with the cool older boys
You’d think I could have outgrown it by now
Except maybe I just did
Because I finally realized 

It’s costing too much
To keep showing up.